As I read through the dreams and journals I wrote back in 2012, I think about how much I’ve grown.
It’s almost embarrassing for me to admit how much I wrote about my first ex. How much I craved his affection and attention and how much I cared for him and loved him. But if I did not go through this process or write down the things I did, I would not have learned the lesson then. I think the only way I would have learned not to deal with abusive boys who waste my time is the hard way.
I’m grateful this was the experience I had. I’ve avoided so many other boys and learned from my mistakes as an adult. I learned that if a man is truly interested, he won’t play games or ignore you for weeks at a time. Reading my journal entries, I could tell how I progressed in my thoughts throughout 9th grade. I went from “I will always love him” to “he said he was depressed and stressed, so he broke up with me. I just think he didn’t want commitment” to “I would rather hate you than to ever be friends with you”.
I was growing. I recognized my feelings, and I did my best to separate what my
clit heart wanted from what was good for me. And because of that, I never let him fuck me. So thank god I learned.
That’s why I like to say “my first ex boyfriend was abusive and begged me to take his virginity, so I fucked his best friend instead.” I don’t know what was the better revenge against this guy. Doing that or becoming the popular person that he could never be.
There also a recurring theme of being a prude. I admit, I was sex repulsed and scared of it. Based on the culture I was raised in, I felt sex was some sort of sin. The funny thing is, I grew to love sinning 2 years later. But I do recognize a journal entry where I said “I’m really horny right now”, and I think that signaled the beginning of me owning my sexuality.
I’m not sure what caused it. Was it the hormones? Was it the abusive ex who pushed my boundaries to do things, which later shaped the way I get intimate with guys? Was it being in high school? Was it just a matter of time? Who knows? I just know I was budding and began my journey to blossom into the sex-positive nymph I am today (well, maybe not so much a nymph now, since I’m single, but you get the gist).
Oof, just read the part where I grinded on someone for the first time. That was pretty rough, buddy. If I skip over to chapter 10 (10th grade), I’ll get to see the part where I postponed a relationship with my 2nd boyfriend so I could grind on at least 8 guys at the second MORP I went to! Maizy, you lame ass.
One sad part is that even as early as 14 years old, my parents instilled in me the need to lose weight. I literally wrote that I was having a hard time eating and I had nausea, but that “I hope I lose weight from this”. I guess I’d be a hypocrite to say I haven’t stopped trying to starve myself (I guess it’s called intermittent fasting nowadays) by eating smaller portions. God, you should’ve seen how thin I was around this time, last year. I looked so good for AEPi formal. My little is so lucky he had me for a date.