Oh boy, these bucket list things are getting worse! Let’s jump in.
Bucket List #7: I hope he does something that turns me off so much, I’ll never like him again. I hope the only feelings he leaves me is anger towards whatever he did.
I’d rather deal with anger than heartbreak.
Rather than both.
I wrote in another Tumblr post that this was completed on May 2, 2012. I believe this had to do with my ex begging me to fuck him. Little did I know, he’d do something so much more drastic the next month. Something along the lines of climbing to my window to get some. He got handcuffed on Father’s Day 2012. Poor dad.
Rumor has it he “wish [he] would’ve just went ahead and raped [me]”. Unfortunately, my source doesn’t stand by that quote anymore, last time I checked.
Bucket List #8: One day, I want to be that girl at school that all the guys fall for because she is beautiful (and the fact that she’s smart is just a bonus). Unfortunately, there would be problems, if you know what I mean. I’ll be careful, though. I like the attention.
I didn’t say “because she has a great personality” because I know when a guy just wants you for your body. If a guy wants me for my personality, I don’t want many of them, because it will be hard to choose which one over the other.
Either way, it’s not gonna happen and I’m staying single, by choice.
Where do I start? The Not-Like-Other-Girls syndrome? The fact that I was beginning to come to terms that I enjoyed male attention? The Mary-Sue complex?
Look, little Maizy, yeah it sometimes sucks that not everyone thirsts after you because it makes it hard to get laid, but look on the bright side. There’s less male bullshit to deal with.
Fortunately, I grew up, decided I didn’t want to stand by conventional standards, and started wearing makeup and hair dye in colors I liked (blue). I wore clothes I felt comfortable in at times I wanted, and I did everything I wanted for ME.
Some things don’t change tho. I’m glad I learned to stay single by choice.
Bucket List #9: I’d like to go back to that. Legs getting sweaty from lying on each other in the summer sun. Playing with each other’s fingers because it’s so interesting being so close to another human being. Our heads down just enough to cover each other’s eyes, but see our smiles.
It’s a shame we can’t make ends meet. I’ll just have to find someone else who can do that.
I learned that I don’t have to depend on one person to find that moment, and these kinds of intimate moments aren’t always accessible.
It’s been years since I’ve had anything like this with a boyfriend. Maybe my judgment is clouded, but I don’t remember getting this kind of feeling with my second ex. By those standards, I probably didn’t in any hookup I’ve ever had, either.
It just means I’ll cherish what I have the next time it happens. First love is so sweet, isn’t it, little Maizy?