I Don’t Know What Happened

I am back to my old ways. I don’t know myself, and I have to dig deep to figure out who I am, what are my problems, and what I enjoy. I’m doing terribly in school, I’m falling into harmful repetitive habits, and overall, I am unhappy.

I have some sort of memory loss. I barely remember what happened last fall. I know I went through my candidacy in my sorority, I had some sort of relationship with a boy, and I did not do well in school because I lost motivation.

I am glad I have written on this blog every now and then because I need to remember what happened along the way. I think something traumatic happened. I know I had a somewhat traumatic experience in a hookup. I know my experience in primary recruitment back in Fall 2018 was also traumatic.

I need to keep thinking about what hurt me. Why did I lose interest? Why am I such a bad student now?

I don’t know when I will have all the answers, but when I do, I want to know:
-What is it that I want?
-What do I want that I think a relationship will give me?
-Why do I have a hard time staying on task? (This is an issue I’ve always had growing up, I think)
-Why is my memory faulty?
-Was there a traumatic experience that changed everything?
-If not, then what changed?

And while I’m discussing goals, I hope I’m able to raise my GPA this quarter because it is my last chance.

If I don’t get Cs and above, I’m getting kicked out. And last quarter, I got 2 C-.

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