Trigger Warning: Relationships

I perused my old photos from Summer 2017 when I went to Israel, and I went farther to find some screenshots of tweets I wrote prior to the trip. I was feeling depressed regarding relationships. Below are the thoughts I had on June 2, 2017.

Since that time, I’ve hooked-up, seen, or flirted with at least 5 guys, all within 2018. I also went on my first Tinder date (unsuccessful) in Israel. I don’t know what changed. Perhaps it was purely opportunity, but I’ve definitely lost weight. As of June 2018, I’ve lost 25 pounds- from 175 lbs to 150. I must be regaining it because of all that I eat and drink now that I’m in university, but somehow it stays down. I’m not even working out as much as I did over summer, but I definitely walk a lot. I’ve been meaning to starve myself, but it’s tough. Maybe I’d lose more weight if I stopped partying every weekend. Hopefully that happens next quarter because I am so tired of drinking and not remembering every exact detail that happened the night before. Nonetheless, I hate talking about my weight. I get pissed off, maybe even triggered, when someone tells me I lost weight. Yeah, I lost weight, but I gained muscle. Why does my weight matter?

Anyway, I finally broke my dry spell with an online friend back in February. That was a one night stand, but I’m still friends with that guy. Fast forward to June where another online friend invited me for lunch, and I ended up spending the night at his place (I hope his family didn’t hear our moans smh). That whole ordeal was a clusterfuck honestly. A month or two after that, I’m making out with an old crush from Summer 2016- the guy who indirectly inspired me to break up with aforementioned boyfriend. But it’s funny how old crushes don’t carry over because I didn’t want to sleep with him; it would ruin our friendship and I don’t see him that way. A few months after that, I’m being used like a fleshlight by another old friend from Summer 2016 (and who I later realized I wanted to bang back then as well. Never follow your dreams).

Moral of the story? STOP SLEEPING WITH BOYS AFTER HANGING WITH THEM FOR THE FIRST TIME. I swear to god, Maizy, how many fucking times do you need to make this mistake?

I’m putting myself on probation and decided I’m not going to sleep with anyone outside of a relationship anymore. It’s just bad and unfulfilling otherwise. Not to mention, I feel like a total slut and degenerate saying this. My entire personhood is below the average threshold because of my willingness to share my naked body with someone else.

I’m going on a tangent again. I’d apologize, but this is my blog.

Past Maizy, here’s the thing. At least you don’t feel like you’re unwanted anymore. But it’s tough because here you are at a university with over 30,000 students. Some of them have shared their interest in you via message, UCI Confessions, or Tinder. The problem isn’t “am I attractive enough?” anymore, it’s “is there someone who is into me as much as I am into them?” And that’s also tough.

Past Maizy, I feel like life is definitely better now, whether or not losing weight helped. Considering what mom and dad say, though, it probably is. You might not get the guys you want, but at least you’re living the life you wanted at UCI.

Do I want the pain of being lonely without somebody to fuck and hold? Or do I want the pain of disappointment, heartbreak, and complications?

it would be nice if I were in another relationship, but my time is so little and I only have time for guys that deserve it.

I want the pain of loneliness over the pain of wasted time.

I don’t know what i’m saying. Don’t do 80, you’ll regret it.

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