What More Do You Want, God?

I see God as the flow of nature and chance. Keep this in mind as you read.

Israel is supposed to be the holy land, the divine capital of the western world. Why do I feel all nature flowing against me?

“You’ll love everyone in your birthright trip”, they said. “Everyone gets some action on birthright.”

But why did I feel so out of touch, so left out from my group? Why did I misunderstand signals? Why did I even consider having a chance with someone else I was interested in?

I’m so ugly. I am big with small boobs and an uncontrollable excess of acne in my chin area. I don’t like to party. I am a lightweight. I’m also very fucking done with arak.

I’m all alone now. None of my best friends from birthright are with me here in Israel. I try to party with a group of people and they end up separating to make out and I go on a borderline date with someone I’m not interested in.

Batya is gone, and I doubt I’ll see her again. Everyone from my trip is getting drunk in hot, sweaty night clubs.

I can’t even cry in private because I’m in a hostel room.

I want to fucking kill myself but the only thing keeping me going is the idea of meeting my family here and then going back home to my parents, brother, and dogs.

I’m splurging on alcohol only to drink it and feel depressed. Every time I drink, something reminds me to be sad and I end up being depressed and tipsy.

And then today I find my ex’s girlfriend on Facebook suggestions and I realize that in the year they’ve been together, I have not been with anyone. He’s probably getting laid on the daily by someone who loves him while I can’t even suck a dick without crying and regretting it.

All the people that are into me, I’m not attracted to. When will I realize the entire world is out of my league and I should just settle for someone?

I want to go home. Are you having fun making me miserable, God? Just injure me already. Kill me. Strike me with lightning. How will things get better? No matter how hard I try to be happy and content, something gets in the way.

I’m sorry, God, for coming to Israel with intentions other than exploring my heritage and Jewish history. I’m sorry that all that is on my mind is sex and hooking up. I’m sorry I let my body go. Just please, why can’t things work out for me on this trip? I realize the value of friendship now. It really isn’t easy to obtain.

I try not to be jealous. I mask my feelings with smiles so I don’t inflict my bad mood onto others.

This must be karma for breaking up with ryan and telling him I liked someone else. I knew I should’ve just stayed with him. I can’t do better, or anything, other than him.

Update 7/24: I’m safe at home now. As ashamed as I am for posting this, I realize keeping this is a good benchmark of how I progress with my depression and anxiety. Hopefully one day I can look back at this and see how well I’ve managed my self-critical thoughts. As far as my ex goes, I don’t miss him and I feel very happy for him. The way my therapist words it, seeing that he’s with his girlfriend is a reminder that it’s been a year since we’ve broken up (since yesterday) and that I haven’t seen anyone else by now. But that’s okay. This is time for me to enjoy myself, especially after spending most of my teen years in a relationship.

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