High school was a time where I did not belong. I rarely found things in common with other people. I was “uncool” and because of that, I was not a person of interest for some people. I had a group of people with whom I discussed politics and other intellectual subjects, but eventually they abandoned me, and I still have no idea why they left me out.
This is specifically about high school students in my graduating class.
There are people from high school who make me feel happy. For some, I met them in college. For others, I have known them better after graduating. But overall, I’m glad most people went everywhere but community college.High school was fun the first two years. I made many friends, did well in school, and won formal princess (which is the highlight of my high school years). But in my junior year, I found feminism, and I did not tolerate many of the unjust things that went on. I started distancing myself from many people, getting into fights on Twitter, arguing in class.
I stuck to my beliefs. The oppression of many people is more important than my social life. Besides, I have been the victim of numerous sexist and racist acts and jokes. If I hung around people who approved of them, I would continue to be the subject of groping, unwarranted hugs, gender dysphoria, and objectification based on my ethnicity.
But by the end of my senior year, the people I hung out with during lunch in school were my teachers and my (then) boyfriend. I have negative feelings about my senior year. Had I still been a freshman, I would be worried about high school ending. But this year was different. I was counting down the days until I could get out of this hell hole.
I was surrounded by terrible people. The basketball team harassed me sophomore year, popular girls yelled at me for not standing during the pledge, the boys from my old group of friends from sophomore year wanted to hug me to feel my breasts, many boys were rumored to be rapists.
I know I had close friends in school, including my best friends Camshmuck and Jack, but I really wanted friends I could be with outside of school.
Two years ago on this day (November 1, 2014), I contemplated suicide. My group of friends had made plans for Halloween, and not once did they think of inviting me. When I asked to join them, they did not have room for me. I felt so alone. Later in December, they also excluded me from a Secret Santa arrangement. That was the last time I was interested in being their friend.
I sometimes wonder if I would have a positive look on high school had I not been with my boyfriend then. He was a pessimist, and everything seemed stacked against him. He complained a lot, and so did I. We both found the faults in everyone. I wouldn’t know much of the undesirable things about people or get into Twitter fights if it weren’t for him. As for the latter, I mostly fought with people who he followed, but I did not. Among the fun times I had with him, there were also bad times.
In the future (July 2016), I lost my paranoia over my first ex once I broke up with my second. I wonder if that could have happened during high school had I broken up with him sooner.
Maybe my friends would have liked me more. Maybe I could have felt safer at school. Could other people have given me a chance and more respect if I wasn’t attached to him?
But I know I would not have won formal princess without him. He helped me so much in winning that. Maybe the highlight of my high school life would be different. I wonder if I could have traded that experience for something much more fun.
Fast forward to the present, I feel uneasy when I see people from high school in college. In sophomore year, all the students from high school who did not enjoy university come home and take classes in community college. Fortunately, the school is big enough to the point where I don’t see many of them. But I get scared.
College is the place where I finally found myself. I made countless friends with whom I belong. I can be my free self and people will support and agree with me!
And when I see people from high school, especially those who specifically made a point to exclude, belittle, or harass me, I grow afraid that they could take it all away from me.
I don’t want to return to a time of fear that my ex, or any other terrible person from high school, wants to hurt me. I don’t want to lose all my friends again and never know why I was not good enough. I don’t want to be alone.
I’m finally in a place where I have grown socially and mentally. What if all of it is another illusion?