Life Hits Hard

The following is a post about real life events. I’m experimenting with a different style of writing, one that I feel fits the abrupt nature of these experiences.

When I graduated high school, I knew I was basically an adult. The next day felt anticlimactic, but I did not know how fast things would change.

One week of summer. Then Honors English for eight weeks. Mom got a job. I went from wishing to go out more to missing days I spent at home. Ryan started working more. One week: help at local elementary. Go to Dad’s work.

No tests. Just essays, reading, discussion posts, and an easygoing teacher. I can do this.

Josh died. A car killed him at night. He was my kindergarten classmate. For my 5th birthday, he gave me a Roseart clipboard and crayons. I still have them. I know he was a bully, but he didn’t deserve this. Why did he die? He was too young.

I discovered my gender. Demigirl makes me feel complete. Ryan knew all along. Some friends helped me find it, like Joce.

Ryan works too much. I hate going to Dad’s work. School, go to work, eat, nap, go home, sleep. My life is too repetitive. I miss Ryan. I used to want to get out of the house, but now I miss the days I stayed at home.

Dad and I took frequent trips to Cedars-Sinai for pre-ops. Sometimes Kevin came. Kev and I walked around the campus, looked for places to eat. We knew the place like the back of our hand.

Maddie died. I didn’t know her at all, but everyone else from high school did. She and a friend had an accident with of off road vehicles. The details aren’t clear to me. People say she wasn’t a bully. She too did not deserve this. Too many people died after high school. Why did she die?

I applied to the college science community, to be a part. I got in.

I applied to student government, to be a part. They said no.

Two weeks of summer until fall semester. I got an A in English. I’m proud. And mom is happy with her new income. She didn’t have it before.

Uncle Stan died. I heard prostate cancer didn’t kill him. Chemo did. Or maybe pneumonia? I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t see him much. He’s my half-brother’s uncle, my dad’s ex… brother-in-law. He was cremated, not buried.

Uncle Stan’s family had a party. Same place where my bat mitzvah was held. One half-brother, Eric, and his family, Delaine and Kylie, were there. Next day, my brothers, Eric’s family, and I spent time in Woodland Hills. Eric took me behind the wheel for the first time.

I’m still scared to death to drive.

Dad had surgery at Cedars-Sinai. Mom and I ate from this sandwich place in the medical towers. I showed her everywhere to eat. I love exploring. We explored the Beverly Center. It looks so cheap for such a rich mall. But it was before 10AM. On a Thursday. Doctor said surgery went perfectly. Kev started high school same day.

School starts. I am the only woman who remains in electronics. Sad to see effects of how we raise daughters. I’m scared. What if I give someone the wrong idea?

Math isn’t so bad. Fadi is my new best friend in Chem. We are the only white robes who chose community college.

I find myself filled with anxiety, shaking. I am new to the college science community. I know no one.

I turn 18. Next month. I have friends. I belong. I learn the ropes. I finally feel truly loved by friends. I never want this to end. I also get my driver’s permit.

I’m still scared to death to drive.

I enjoyed my cousin’s wedding in Vegas. Years since I was there. Desperado was too bumpy. I finally saw Chihuly glass in person.

My family began criticizing my weight.

Mom is learning about taxes at H&R Block. She’s always busy. I’m glad she’s learning,

No car. No job. I’m not truly an adult. No independence.

I saw an old high school teacher with his girlfriend. Their relationship is the reason he was fired. She’s from my graduating class. He’s twice her age. Why do men take advantage of us this way? Why does Tyga prey on Kylie? Their affection reminds me of Ryan and I when we were 15.

I eat so much. I’m always hungry. my body keeps getting bigger. I’m not exercising. My clothes don’t fit. I’m too shy to work out.

I wish I could dance to K-Pop videos. I wish I could play One Summer’s Day on the piano.

I’m still scared to death to drive. And my dad keeps pushing it.

My dad is pushing me to learn how to roller skate.

My birth control is making my acne out of control. I don’t want hormones. IUD makes painful cramps. Condoms make it less spontaneous. I’d rather not have kids and tie my tubes.
My body is so big. My parents don’t let me forget that. My family doesn’t either.
My favorite dye barely tinted my hair. My dyed hair is poorly damaged. I have terrible dandruff. I’m insecure.
I don’t want to drive. But I want ease of transport.
Carrageenan will kill me. I just know it. I’m the loser with all the food sensitivities.

But there’s still hope for straight As this semester.

One day, I’ll be active like body con days again.

One day, I’ll get my engineer degree. Then a great score on MCAT. Then med school.

One day, I’ll drive. Support my family.

One day, I’ll overcome whatever anxiety, depression, phobias I may have.

I hope that day is today.

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